My boss called me today at the office and spoke to me for a long time. He thanked me for the great work I did editing a paper, and also offered me opportunities for getting my name out there. Toward the end of the conversation, he suggested that I consider applying to the PhD programme again, something that due to politics and bias (and unprofessionalism on the part of a decision maker) I was rejected from earlier in May.
Do I go...?
Do I stay...?
What do I do?
I feel my mind filled with such nagging questions, and a growing sense of sadness and heaviness as the days toward my planned departure approach. I set December/January as a deadline for me to leave this place, to bid farewell to all that I have known for over 7 years so I can start life anew and fresh in my new condo. But things are uncertain... I feel my mind in flux. I feel tired and demotivated. I feel I lack support and guidance, feel that I am again drifting and cast in doubt.
These feelings have been exacerbated by the fact that I met someone early September. A simple, innocent message has over the past three weeks or so (since that Labour Day night, 7 September) turned into several encounters and three occasions we could not be apart from one another for 30something hours... He's smart, beautiful, doing his PhD while being a nurse on the side... He's kind, compassionate, loving and most of all listens. It seemed like such a wonderful match, and we enjoy each other's company a lot (and we pretty much enjoy the same things in bed, which has always been a huge obstacle for me to be with someone for the long term.
But I am leaving. And just before we met for the first time, I told him, for I did not want to hide or conceal anything from anyone, that I am leaving. I knew that would kill the buzz, would unseat hopes and stunt whatever feelings may grow, but he needed to know, and I told him.
Last night, we had a deep conversation about where we are going. We seem to care for one antoher and treasure one another;s company... but is that enough? Where are we going? Do you invest more time together, or just recngise that this may all be doomed and just try not get too attached? Can I even consider being "the other" after a few months ago his first long term *3 years) relationship ended because of long distance?
Do I go...?
Do I stay...?
What do I do?
I feel my mind filled with such nagging questions, and a growing sense of sadness and heaviness as the days toward my planned departure approach. I set December/January as a deadline for me to leave this place, to bid farewell to all that I have known for over 7 years so I can start life anew and fresh in my new condo. But things are uncertain... I feel my mind in flux. I feel tired and demotivated. I feel I lack support and guidance, feel that I am again drifting and cast in doubt.
These feelings have been exacerbated by the fact that I met someone early September. A simple, innocent message has over the past three weeks or so (since that Labour Day night, 7 September) turned into several encounters and three occasions we could not be apart from one another for 30something hours... He's smart, beautiful, doing his PhD while being a nurse on the side... He's kind, compassionate, loving and most of all listens. It seemed like such a wonderful match, and we enjoy each other's company a lot (and we pretty much enjoy the same things in bed, which has always been a huge obstacle for me to be with someone for the long term.
But I am leaving. And just before we met for the first time, I told him, for I did not want to hide or conceal anything from anyone, that I am leaving. I knew that would kill the buzz, would unseat hopes and stunt whatever feelings may grow, but he needed to know, and I told him.
Last night, we had a deep conversation about where we are going. We seem to care for one antoher and treasure one another;s company... but is that enough? Where are we going? Do you invest more time together, or just recngise that this may all be doomed and just try not get too attached? Can I even consider being "the other" after a few months ago his first long term *3 years) relationship ended because of long distance?
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